The Dating Game – from a Pagan perspective.

Last month, the title of an article at The Witches’ Voice caught my attention…“John, Zach, David…Where are all the Pagan men?”  If I only had $1 for every time I’ve asked that question to nobody in particular…only my version of the question is usually more like, “Where are the straight and single Pagan men?”

Of course, the article itself doesn’t exactly give me the answer I’ve been looking for, but discusses some of the reasons why “women engaged in modern Pagan or Earth Based spirituality practices clearly and significantly outnumber the men.”   Sigh… So, what does this mean for us single Pagan gals?  Well, if you’re a single Pagan gal looking for a single Pagan guy, I suppose it means the dating pool is quite shallow.  Good luck!

From my past years of dating experience, it has become clear that for a dating relationship to work well for me and have potential for a “future”, it must be with someone who has  similar spiritual views as my own, or at the very least, someone who is willing to learn about and share in my spirituality to a point – even if they do not claim any particular spiritual path of their own – so long as they can respect the path I walk and enjoy some of the scenery with me.  But why is this so hard to find?  

Some people will share those tidbits of wisdom such as, “love will find you when you’re not looking for it”.   Sorry – while I may believe in magick, I have a hard time believing that my “Prince Charming” will just suddenly appear at my doorstep one day.   So then they will say, “get out of the house more, go to more places where people with similar interests would be”.  Been there, done that.  (And by that, I don’t mean the local pub.)  Others have said, “try a dating service”.  Been there, done that too.

No matter where I’ve been – as far as the “singles scene” and dating goes, it’s a complicated game – and I wasn’t given a copy of the rulebook.

At least I know that I am not alone in these sentiments.  When sitting with some other single friends a few weeks ago over drinks and dinner, we were discussing the trials and tribulations of dating.  We all agreed that finding someone with similar interests who attracts us isn’t so difficult as is finding someone who can be up-front and honest about themselves from the get-go, not to mention has the ability to communicate effectively.   Honesty and communication – two key ingredients to a healthy & happy relationship.   If you can’t handle those two simple things, then it’s not going to work, so why bother?

On this particular evening, the girls and guys were throwing out questions to each other such as, “what does it mean when my boyfriend/girlfriend says…..” and asking the rest to help translate the *real* meaning  (because in the rulebook some of us don’t have, there are apparenlty explanations of some common phrases heard in the dating game.)   

As an example, one girl says, “Things seemed to be going well with the guy I was dating, we shared some similar interests and thought patterns, we had a good time together, we were physically attracted to each other…as we grew closer, he expressed his desire that we be exclusive. (meaning that they agreed not to date other people)  I was okay with that…then a mere few weeks later he says, *I’ve got some issues of my own to deal with and just can’t be in a relationship right now.*  WTF?”

The immediate answer from the rest of the group was, “You got the old  *it’s not you – it’s me*  line, which roughly translates to *it’s really you – but I’m being noble in taking the responsibility for why this isn’t working in order to not hurt your feelings*”  

From my experiences, I’m guessing they were all right on the money.  Didn’t help much, as her feelings were still hurt, add to that utter confusion.   So in this case, honesty, though might have hurt her feelings a little more than the “easy out”, would have been more helpful to her in understanding, healing, and moving on.  Instead she was left stuck in a rut for a time, feeling like a fool, feeling like this guy never cared one iota about her, and that he didn’t “play fair” because while she was truthful, he was not.   

Much time wasted there between the dating itself, and the time it took her to get over losing the game, which she didn’t even realize she was playing in the first place.  I don’t know about the rest of you, but time seems to fly by for me.  How am I 30 something now?  I was just 25, like, last year, wasn’t I?  Now, I can see 40 peeking around the corner and waving me on to come quickly.  Point being – I would prefer not to waste this kind of time.

Another girl brings up that a guy she had been dating said he lost interest in continuing a relationship with her because she was “too independent” and “didn’t need anyone”.   Okay, well – we’ve also seen that guys don’t want a gal who relys on him too much and lacks the ability to take care of herself.  This particular gal is a divorced single Mom who has cared for herself and her child for years without child support or state assistance;  she is independent and self-sufficient in that sense, yes.   She is also an attractive woman who is even-tempered, has a great personality, and is lots of fun to hang out with, IMHO – so why is her independence viewed as a negative trait in the eyes of single men?

I’ve been accused by a few men of being “too nice”, as well as “too spiritual”  (for my response to the last person who said the latter to me, read my post entitled “A Witch’s ABC’s”).   Statements like that leave me wondering…So, what, you prefer I be a miserable, cold-hearted bitch with no sense of direction in my life?   What do you guys want?!?  Make up your minds!!!  ARGH!!!  But I digress; this has been part of my reasoning why I feel I would be better suited with a Pagan partner, as a fellow Pagan may better understand my beliefs and values.  Oh but then there’s that pesky issue of Pagan women outnumbering Pagan men about 3 to 1.

The more our little group of single friends talked that evening, the more we discovered that we’ve all been “dumped”, or had relationships not work out because of the positive aspects about ourselves – much more so than the negative.  Interesting, huh?  Doesn’t leave one much hope for future dating success though.

In the end, we all came to one conclusion – none of us understand “the dating game” nor do we want to play anymore.  That’s not to say that any of us wouldn’t love to find that Mr. or Ms. Right and settle down – it’s just that we don’t feel it should be a “game”.

Why do I rant about this now?  Because it seems that this holiday season is the toughest time of year to be single.  It can be more lonely and depressing than any other time of year.   As I read at Beliefnet.com in an article entitled “Single for the Holidays”:

“The holiday season feels like yet another great conspiracy against you when you’re single and not dating anyone. Holiday parties. Gift-giving. Mistletoe. New Year’s kiss at midnight. Bah Humbug!”

Yup, that about sums it up.

For the rest of you confused single folk who didn’t receive your rulebook for the dating game – you are not alone! Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, I suggest you check out the article I mentioned at Beliefnet.com – it gives some good advice for surviving the holidays single.  And my added advice – do a little something nice for yourself to celebrate the season – you deserve it!

Happy Holidays and Brightest Blessings,

Crystal

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